


Breathless

by Skylar_Inkstone



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-01-01 12:49:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18334760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylar_Inkstone/pseuds/Skylar_Inkstone
Summary: Katya doesn't understand why Trixie would just leave her. But she's moved on and she's very happy now, thank you very much.-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_Trixie doesn't really understand how she ended up living like this. She doesn't understand how she hasn't yet died of guilt.





	1. Chapter 1

Something was bother Katya.

It wasn’t unusual. A lot of things bothered her. But this wasn’t the typical feeling of something amiss. This felt closer to having the apocalypse manifest and physically breathing down her neck.

And to make things more odd, she was in her favorite place in the whole world, the local coffee shop. It wasn’t like a Starbucks, all industrial and no comfort. There was the mini café look-a-like part, right by the ordering counter, but the rest of the shop was hard wood floors with comfortable, oversized chairs with large coffee tables in between. It was also where she had first met Trixie.

Of course, Trixie was now long gone. Three years ago years of a good, strong relationship and Trixie had just walked out on Katya. She hadn’t even left a note and had maintained radio silence for seven months, before she posted a picture of her and someone named ‘David’ who was apparently her new boyfriend. Before that, Katya wouldn’t stop hounding everyone and anyone who would agree to help her look for Trixie.

But Katya had fallen in love with the coffee shop and so it became her regular hangout place. And she wasn’t hanging on to Trixie, not by a long shot. Not even two months after Trixie had posted the picture, her friends hooked her up with a girl named Violet. She had been supposed to be strictly a rebound, but Katya had quickly found herself enamored by the fashion magazine editor.

So it was odd for to feel uncomfortable in her favorite place ever. She did a quick headcount, but other than herself, it was the barista, the fat kid who never seemed to leave and a woman with a headful of pastel pinks and purples, blonde strands showing up every so often.

            So Katya decided to ignore the feeling of unease and elected to pull out her phone, scrolling through Instagram. She stopped short, almost missing a post Trixie had put up. Even though her friends insisted, she never unfollowed her old girlfriend.

            The strange thing about Trixie’s post was that it was an old picture of her… And it was one with Katya in it. Trixie was behind Katya, both making ridiculous duck faces, the purple-blue lighting telling Katya that it must have been taken at a bar or party. The caption read: ‘Do you ever have regrets? Yeah… Me either.’

Ever since Trixie had left, she hadn’t done anything to acknowledge Katya. The picture and caption hit her hard, her heart beating faster with nerves. She didn’t know why, she was over her. She was very happy with Violet, who was caring and loving, if a bit busy at times.

Without really thinking, for the first time in three years, Katya liked one of Trixie’s posts. She had somehow miraculously avoided alerting Trixie to her presence by resolutely pretending that Trixie had never existed. It was her way of letting herself and, in her mind, Trixie, know that she was over her.

There was a sudden loud _ding_ in the silent coffee shop, coming from the direction of the woman with dyed hair. Katya turned back to her coffee and phone, electing to ignore the world than facing her inner turmoil. After all, Trixie couldn’t possibly have meant that she regretted abandoning Katya and their relationship.

Right?

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            She didn’t know what she was doing anymore. Hell, she hadn’t known what she had been doing since four years ago, when she had cheated on Katya. She felt so stupid about it afterwards.

            They had been fighting. Normally, it didn’t ever get bad, but in this case, Trixie had been thoroughly pissed off and done with Katya’s crap. She kept on coming home, smelling of weed or alcohol. After all, how many times was she supposed to ignore the blatant disregard Katya had towards her health? She wasn’t supposed to drink or do drugs – she had an addiction history. But even after Trixie had confronted her about, Katya continued to do it. And it made Trixie feel worthless, like she hadn’t been enough to keep Katya from purposely deteriorating her health.

            So she did the stupid thing and went out when Katya hadn’t come home one night. She went out to a straight bar of all places and hooked up with some random guy named David.

            She couldn’t believe herself when she had woken up the next morning, her phone filled with worried texts from Katya. She couldn’t believe that she had _cheated_ on Katya.

            When she had come home later that day, she just pretended that she didn’t know what Katya was talking about whenever she brought up Trixie’s ‘disappearance’. And when David – how the hell he found her number, she would never know – texted her a few months later, Trixie decided that she couldn’t take the guilt from cheating or the frustration she still held against Katya for not taking care of herself – for not listening to Trixie.

            So she left. She took the basics of what she needed and had an Internet blackout for a good part of a year. When she did start going online again, she didn’t miss the fact that Katya hadn’t unfollowed her from anything; that she looked at every status update. That Katya was clearly worried about her.

            But she ignored it, telling herself that she was a happy, content, bisexual woman. That David made her feel the same things that Katya had. That she felt just as loved and safe.

            She didn’t know who she was kidding, but it sure as hell wasn’t herself.

            She didn’t like David that way.

            She missed Katya.

            She loved her and she didn’t know what to do about it.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya doesn't understand why Trixie would just leave her. But she's moved on and she's very happy now, thank you very much.  
> -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_  
> Trixie doesn't really understand how she ended up living like this. She doesn't understand how she hasn't yet died of guilt.

Trixie knew she shouldn’t stare at her – it was basically begging to be caught – but she couldn’t help herself. So much and yet so little had changed.

            Was it maybe the small tilt of the head she now did whenever she saw something mildly amusing on her phone? Or was it perhaps the slight sadness that showed on her face whenever she was relaxed, when she wasn’t being aware of her surroundings?

            It was probably just all in her head. After all, Katya had never let other people’s choices affect her.

            The sudden noise of the chair opposite her screeching broke Trixie out of her thoughts.

            “Hi.”

            Trixie felt her heart skip a beat. “He-hey.”

            “Long time no see.”

            “Y-yeah. I guess.”

            Katya, leaning over the table, stared directly into Trixie’s eyes, blue intensely boring into brown.

            “You dyed your hair,” Katya said after a long beat.

            Trixie self-consciously tugged at a stray lock of pastel purple hair. “You like it?”

            Katya suddenly sat all the way back in her chair. “What do you think?” She asked.

            Trixie shrugged.

            There was a few minutes of silence, until Trixie couldn’t take it anymore.

            “I miss you,” she blurted out.

            Katya raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

            “Yes!”

            “Okay.”

            “Please don’t be like that,” Trixie begged her, hearing an unnerving coldness in Katya’s voice that she had never heard before.

            Katya shook her head, a look of disgust coming over her face. “I shouldn’t _be like that_? Be like what, Trixie? Be hurt, upset? You fucking up and left, didn’t leave a word of notice. Didn’t say anything. You just fucking left. Do you know how embarrassing it is that I had everyone look for you, thinking something bad happened, only for you to show up a few months later, happy with another partner? Do know how awkward and hurtful it is to realize that every conversation I had with your parents was fake? That they knew that you left me and didn’t say anything? Do you?”

            Trixie made to speak, but Katya cut her off. “No, you don’t. You don’t know a fucking damn thing because you made a decision without communicating it. You made a choice that didn’t just affect me, but everyone around us. So tell me Trixie, why are you even fucking here. If you want your stuff back, you’re welcome to the things I haven’t donated. I’m done with you and your shit. You’re a fucking asshole.”

            Trixie sat there, stunned, as Katya stalked off. She didn’t know what to think – what to feel. Her whole world was collapsing and she didn’t know where to begin to try to hold it up.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            Katya felt numb. Until she saw Trixie at the coffee shop, she hadn’t realized just how angry she was at her old girlfriend. She didn’t realize she had been holding back such a wave of hate. But it made sense right? That she was angry. It felt so stupid though. Like, could Katya seriously not let go an old girlfriend from three years ago?

            She was startled out of her depressing thoughts when she felt Violet wrap her arms around her.

            “What’s wrong baby?”

            Katya tilted her head all the way back in order to look at Violet. She was surprised to feel cool tears tracing their way back up her cheeks.

            “Oh, babe.” Violet quickly walked around the couch to sit next to her girlfriend.

            Katya collapsed into her arms.

            “I’m such an asshole,” she mumbled.

            “What? Kats, why would you think that?”

            Katya’s body shook as she let loose a sob. Violet tightened her grip around her, as if trying to protect Katya from whatever demons were haunting her.

            “Sh… Babe, it’s okay.”

            “It… It really isn’t.”

            Violet stayed silent, but kept hold of Katya, rubbing soothing circles into her back. After a few minutes, Katya gently pulled away, her eyeliner streaking down her face.

            “Sorry… I’m just… It’s so stupid,” Katya hiccupped, trying to calm down.

            “Whatever it is, I can promise you that it’s not stupid.”

            Katya shook her head.

            “Katya, please tell me what’s wrong. I can’t help if I don’t know what’s going on.”

            “I know.” She cast her eyes down, avoiding Violet’s intense gaze.

            “Please,” Violet pleaded.

            Katya took a deep breath and then released it, slowly. “I bumped into Trixie.”

            “The girlfriend that just upped and left you?”

            Katya nodded.

            “What happened?”

            “She… I… I think she wants me back.”

            Violet nodded, but stayed silent, sensing that Katya needed a few moments of quiet to gather her thoughts.

            After a pause, Katya said, “I don’t want her back. She betrayed and hurt me. Besides, I love you. But… Why am I so angry? I feel like such an asshole, like I can’t get over her. But I promise Vi, I’m over her.”

            “I know,” Violet softly replied. “But you know it’s okay to still be angry, right? You’ve told me about her. From what it sounded like, it seemed like you both thought you each were the one.”

            “Well, we clearly weren’t, considering you’re my one,” Katya promised, leaning in for a kiss.

            “And you, mine,” Violet whispered, and met Katya’s lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... How long has it been since I updated ANY of my fics? *shrugs* Eh... Okay. I actually really like this chapter... YAY WORK I'M ACTUALLY PROUD OF!  
> Anyways, come chat with me on Tumblr @our-blood-is-our-ink, I'm always bored.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya doesn't understand why Trixie would just leave her. But she's moved on and she's very happy now, thank you very much.
> 
> -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
> 
> Trixie doesn't really understand how she ended up living like this. She doesn't understand how she hasn't yet died of guilt.

            After waking up from an unplanned nap, Trixie sleepily decided to finally check out Katya’s current Instagram. She had been putting it off, ever since she ran three years ago, when she had unfollowed Katya from everything. That had been the last thing she had done before having an internet blackout.

            Putting it into Instagram’s search bar, she typed in _katya_zamo_ and clicked on her profile.

            Scrolling through her page, Trixie was shocked to find that Katya was dating somebody else, somebody named Violet.

            She couldn’t stomach the thought. The little voice in her head saying that she had lost Katya for good, even as friend, forget partner.

            She mentally laughed at herself. What did she expect, after just disappearing on her?

The sudden vibrations from her phone startled Trixie. She chose to ignore it, letting it drop down onto the bed next to her, staring at the ceiling of her hotel room. She didn’t need to look at the caller I.D. to know that it was David calling.

            Katya’s words, even hours later, still echoed in her head, haunting her. _“I’m done with you and your shit. You’re a fucking asshole.”_ Trixie refused to cry, no matter how true the words rang. She _was_ an asshole. She had been the one to make a mistake. And then she made another to try to cover her guilt from the first. Clearly, it hadn’t worked out so great.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            When David had proposed to her a week ago, it had been a wakeup call. She realized that she was exhausted of life, tired of the monotone of day to day life. She realized that as many issues as she thought she had with Katya, at least she had still loved life, felt full of happiness. That she missed seeing and talking and arguing and doing everything else with Katya.

            So she had fled the restaurant, took her car and drove all the way from L.A., where she had moved to with David, to New York. It was the last place she had known for a fact that that was where Katya had been living.  That had also been a shock, realizing that she hadn’t spoken or seen Katya for a good three years. So she drove over the course of three days, sleeping in her car for brief periods of time in parking lots, eating rest-stop food and only changing when she had stumbled upon a mall with a basic clothes store in one of the small towns she had pulled into for gas.

            As soon as she had gotten into New York, she checked into the hotel closest to her old apartment, then went to the laundromat to wash her only other change of clothes. After, she went back to the hotel, showered, changed and decided that she needed coffee. So she headed to the café she used to constantly haunt with Katya. She told herself it wasn’t because she was hoping to see her old girlfriend, that she just missed the excellent coffee, but the back of her brain said otherwise.

            And for the next four days, that’s the lie she told herself, until one day Katya walked through the café’s door. She had self-consciously tugged at her hair, which she had dyed pastel pink and purple two days ago when she had spotted a new beauty parlor when walking around town, bored.

            But Katya hadn’t noticed her. She had went straight to one of the overstuffed armchairs and pulled out her phone.

            So Trixie did the same, going onto Twitter just to have something to do. Just as she was getting deep into her feed, her phone let out an embarrassing loud _ding_ , an Instagram notification popping up. She clicked on it.

            _@katya_zamo liked your photo_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            The sudden lack of buzzing shook Trixie out of her thoughts. She picked up her phone and turned it on, looking at the notifications.

_(27) Missed Calls_

_(2) Voice Mails_

            Sighing, Trixie opened up her home screen, going to the call logs. She ignored the 27 missed calls – they all were from David anyways. She did, however, play the voice mails.

            _“Trixie, where are you? Please pick up or text me. Just let me know you’re safe. It’s been almost a week and your parents said that they haven’t heard from you either. Please, Trixie. Please let me know that you’re okay. Please come home. I love you.”_

_“Trixie, I know that you’re listening to this. I just saw your Instagram, I know you have your phone. Trixie, please, just talk to me. I want to know what’s going on. Please… Please Trixie. I’m begging you, don’t shut me out. Please, Trixie. Please. I love you.”_

            Ignoring the feelings of shame and guilt, Trixie deleted his messages, unwilling to deal with her feelings or actions. Why bother, when everything is just going to hell anyways?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at who's updating somewhat consistently! :D  
> Come talk to me on Tumblr @our-blood-is-our-ink! You're kind words always give me the extra boost to continue to write. *gives y'all hugs* *throws cookies* <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> So... Here's another fic... I think I may have a problem...  
> Tumblr: @our-blood-is-our-ink


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